The title says it all. I’m almost as sorry
that you are reading this as I am for having to watch the movie in the
first place. This is one of those movies that everyday for the rest of
your life you will wake up and wish you weren’t downloading a copy of
the movie right now.
In all my years as a professional movie critic, I have never come across a movie like this one before. I pray I never will again. I have nothing but the utmost respect, admiration for the men and women who sacrificed their lives and sanity for the making of this film. But in the end, was it all worth it? No.
Remember when you were a kid and your parents would take you to visit
the old German man who lived in the forest? Back then he probably
wasn’t doing science experiments in his basement. But he sure is during
this cinematic gem. Two girls get captured because they were driving a
Volkswagen and are held captive by a man with way too much time on his
hands. He does have a nice house though. So the two girls figure out
what the dude is up to but one of the guys is too busy yelling profanities
to notice. Oh, the German scientist/doctor/freak of nature is well
known for his ability to separate Siamese twins. That’s kind of
important to know. He also is not a dog person. Sorry, Ladies.
45 minutes into the movie you will find out that it only rains in Germany at the most inconvenient times. For anyone who wants to be a surgeon when they are older, remember that the key to success is a blue pen, aviators, scotch, a nice camera, and a trench coat. An hour into the movie you begin to appreciate the finer things in life. Such as ANYTHING that isn’t this movie. The doctor really enjoys his day job. I’m not of German descent, so I don’t know how things work over there, but I doubt this is what everyday life is like. Seriously, do all of the police look like that? Have they heard of Just For Men? I don’t believe it for a second.
Would I recommend seeing this movie? There is only one situation that would call for such a film to be seen. And I think you know what I’m going to say. The only time you should EVER watch this movie is on a hot date. Obvious statement, I know. But anything else would just be inappropriate or disturbing. So, the police are shockingly competent and yet apparently lack the ability to hear a man screaming just one floor below them. Which is fine since that man turns out to be a vampire which is great news for all you Twilight fans out there!
The movie ends in dramatically revolting fashion. The doctor is frantically licking blood off the floor as the human centipede yells “EEEEECH”. Windows are indestructible in this movie while some men possess inhuman strength. The final showdown between the doctor and the centipede is worth missing. The motivational speech of the Asian man is all in vain because no one has any clue what he is saying so everyone just nods and smiles politely. The movie ends in what can only be described as the most depressing sequence of events imaginable. This was one mystery not even Scooby and the team could have solved.
Written and Directed by Tom Six. A.K.A Satan
The moral of this story is that you should never leave home without a spare tire. Come prepared or you will end up as a human centipede.
In all my years as a professional movie critic, I have never come across a movie like this one before. I pray I never will again. I have nothing but the utmost respect, admiration for the men and women who sacrificed their lives and sanity for the making of this film. But in the end, was it all worth it? No.
 |
| OkCupid Profile Pic |
45 minutes into the movie you will find out that it only rains in Germany at the most inconvenient times. For anyone who wants to be a surgeon when they are older, remember that the key to success is a blue pen, aviators, scotch, a nice camera, and a trench coat. An hour into the movie you begin to appreciate the finer things in life. Such as ANYTHING that isn’t this movie. The doctor really enjoys his day job. I’m not of German descent, so I don’t know how things work over there, but I doubt this is what everyday life is like. Seriously, do all of the police look like that? Have they heard of Just For Men? I don’t believe it for a second.
Would I recommend seeing this movie? There is only one situation that would call for such a film to be seen. And I think you know what I’m going to say. The only time you should EVER watch this movie is on a hot date. Obvious statement, I know. But anything else would just be inappropriate or disturbing. So, the police are shockingly competent and yet apparently lack the ability to hear a man screaming just one floor below them. Which is fine since that man turns out to be a vampire which is great news for all you Twilight fans out there!
The movie ends in dramatically revolting fashion. The doctor is frantically licking blood off the floor as the human centipede yells “EEEEECH”. Windows are indestructible in this movie while some men possess inhuman strength. The final showdown between the doctor and the centipede is worth missing. The motivational speech of the Asian man is all in vain because no one has any clue what he is saying so everyone just nods and smiles politely. The movie ends in what can only be described as the most depressing sequence of events imaginable. This was one mystery not even Scooby and the team could have solved.
Written and Directed by Tom Six. A.K.A Satan
 |
| The movie could have been SO different |
The moral of this story is that you should never leave home without a spare tire. Come prepared or you will end up as a human centipede.
No comments:
Post a Comment