Things I Fear: Awkward Family Functions

Thanks for everyone who voted in the inaugural poll. Given the overwhelming success of the poll, you can expect many more where that came from. At least until more than 5 people participate.

Without further ado, here is the article that YOU decided.

The only solution to red eye

Fear of Awkward Family Functions is something that many of us experience at least once a year. For those who are deeply entrenched in family roots to the point where they can't tell who is a cousin or second-uncle from their own reflection in a mirror, they develop a phobia of the inevitably dry conversations, ear pulling, constant reminders of what program you are studying, and enough red eye in a single picture to solve world hunger. It happens.


So at what point does a family function go from pleasant to earth-shatteringly awkward? Arriving 45 minutes late but still being one of the first people there is not that bad. Quietly noticing that your "little" cousins now tower over you by a full 7inches and then having it pointed out for the rest of the evening could be worse. Being called by your brothers' name for the duration of someones story is a start. Being unsure if you're expected to go in for the kiss/hug combo or just a simple handshake doesn't help. Trying to gather around for a family photo and half the group is frantically doing headcounts because they realized someone is missing from the shot while the other half is attempting to silence a screaming baby which leads to an outburst by another baby, then you get caught in between a death glare from the mother of the cousin who just heard his uncle swear and is now repeating the word, all the while the camera is continuously flashing because the operator has no idea what they're doing and everyone keeps talking and has anyone seen grandma?

In a word: Weddings. You drink too much, you forget who is getting married or what your relationship to them is, the stories you are telling/hearing are getting increasingly more uncomfortable for everyone, you're still drinking for some reason, your second cousin is busting a move or two on the dance floor while two adults you have never actually met are taking a video but holding their phones backwards and you don't know how to help. Your grandparents are asking you when you're going to be getting married on your left while your uncle is on your right advising you to never get married. You're 11 years old.

So why do we constantly put ourselves in these situations? Is it because the love of our family members exceeds any potentially awkward encounter and we know that at the end of the day whatever happens doesn't matter because it was fun and family will always be more important than a briefly awkward moment? Not really. But that's a good mentality to have when you're discussing these pictures years later during therapy.


This website has just become #1 in my books. If you like seeing the misery on strangers faces as they are forever immortalized in perpetually awkward photos then definitely check this out. And stay tuned for more polls where YOU get to decide the next topic.