Things I Fear: Becoming Famous

Thankfully, I’ll never have to worry about this fear. However, some people live everyday of their life worrying that this could happen to them. Whether it happens because you won the lottery and invested your money in preventing cats from getting stuck in trees or because you accidentally stumbled onto an ancient civilization that seemed to be lost forever, becoming mind numbingly famous is always a legitimate concern.

Most people enjoy the subtleties that go along with being just another face in the crowd. Going to the dentist and not having people ask for your autograph during a root canal is always a plus. More than that though, people are content with being able to purchase a new tennis racquet without being recognized as the person who recently starred in that hilarious movie where that unforgettable event occurred. You know the one. The vast majority of people want to be able to just walk around the block, listening to music, without constantly hearing “You look familiar…Aren’t you that guy who…?” You can insert whatever minor accomplishment you want in that scenario.

Of course, that’s not to say that being famous would be all that bad. You get lots of things for free because people want you to pretend that you are friends. The things you don’t get for free you can pay for without having to worry about whether the purchase will determine whether or not you can afford dinner tonight. Then there’s the fact that everyone loves you and worships your every move. Unless you do something stupid. Then people love you even more. Yes, being famous is exactly how it seems. As someone who frequently fantasizes about it, I feel I have a pretty good understanding of the lifestyles of the rich and famous. Listening to that one song by Good Charlotte helps too.

The part that scares me the most about becoming famous is the sense of responsibility that is associated with it. If you do something, everyone will follow and do the same because it’s cool. So if you use this power for good, it has a positive impact on society. For example, donating your time or money to a charity every now and then in order to better support the community by assisting those in need. You could do that, or you could burn down a homeless shelter for fun because you got really drunk after stealing a car and crashing it into a monument. A famous person does that and they get a slap on the wrist after being on the cover of every magazine in the country. But if you try it you are imprisoned and the next thing you know, everyone starts questioning just what you do around the office. It’s a slippery slope.

No one wants to become so popular that they can’t even get the mail without being swarmed by the media. Or so famous that your sneeze gets cryogenically frozen to be preserved and used to clone you 10,000 years later. I think that’s what we all fear when that first person says “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”
So what can be done to prevent this from happening? Easy. Be as boring and unrecognizable as you possibly can. If you have a great invention that could change the world, destroy it. Tell no one. If you feel you have a talent that could inspire millions of people, never show it to anyone. If anyone asks, run. Really fast. You’re going to have to change your name the moment someone tells you that you have the potential to become something great. Make sure you never have any friends who could possibly talk about you to anyone else they know. And never go into a public space where someone might have a camera that could be used to document you doing anything that could be seen as interesting or impressive. Try to become faceless. Literally. It’s really the only option.

…Please note that I was being sarcastic. I tend to do that from time to time. So I kindly ask that you do not take your face off in a discreet attempt to avoid being easily recognizable. I feel that may have at least one negative consequence in the grand scheme of life.